Chapter 25. In Three Persons
There are periods in life when the density and tension of events are literally off the scale. They go on as if in several parallel streams, each of which belongs to its own sphere. However, it is exactly that "as if". In fact, it is impossible to separate them. They intertwine, influence each other, interpenetrate, mix, merge, and it is impossible to distinguish between one and the other. Everything they carry with them is summed up. Their cumulative joy inspires you, their cumulative pain weighs heavily on your soul. The mind understands where something came from, but there is no special difference for feelings. Sweetness, no matter where it comes from, is still sweetness, and bitterness is still bitterness. Something tortures and kills you, something saves you and gives you pleasure. Just have time to feel...
The years I'm telling you about now were just as intense. Because everything I'm describing happened at the same time. Meeting with the love of two lives, inner death and resurrection, finding new friendship, freezing in the cosmos of loneliness and indescribable feeling of myself as the Universe, the struggle in the family and the so tough victory... A rattling mixture of grief and joy, bitterness and sweetness that seemed destined to explode and tear my heart. By some miracle it didn't. But the above is not all. There was a lot more going on.
A lot of it had to do with the Internet. It expanded my possibilities to unimaginable limits, but I hardly knew how to use them properly. I had to master the new opened spaces and newfound tools.
As already mentioned, I began to explore resources related to spirituality. Although it was, of course, impossible to clearly separate this area from other, so to speak, adjacent ones. There are religion, and in general all kinds of mysticism, and occultism, and a bias in philosophy, and anything else. Therefore, I was carried away to many places, and together with the theme of spiritual search, I dug through a lot of other things. All the more it was interesting. And also the amount of information and the possibility to choose from it what I needed was infinitely pleasing.
Once I found myself on one Homieĺ forum, where I even registered. It was the only time when I communicated on a local forum, and even then without a definite purpose. It was more just for a change. I wanted to write a few words in a thread where magic was discussed, and I did it. I spoke about it from the point of view of the Teaching, i.e. as something that is wrong and should not be used. This opinion was not to everyone's liking. My words were especially keenly perceived by one guy, who was indignant and scolded me as if I had insulted him personally. Not wanting to prolong a public confrontation, I offered him to read my article on magic. He agreed, and received it by email. After that, we entered into correspondence. Now his manner of communication had changed. He spoke to me as a balanced and polite young man, in whom it was impossible to recognise a rude person from the forum. From the conversation about magic we switched to the Teaching, he became interested, and soon he was ringing our doorbell.
He was very young: only 15 years old. Apparently, that's why he was so hot-headed at first. We talked for a few months and he became my disciple. And I can testify that he was a good disciple, enthusiastic and thoughtful.
And soon we were both in for a big surprise. He asked to know something about his past lives, and I discovered that in one of them, many thousands of years ago, he had been a follower of the Teaching. And his current birth was not purposeful — that is, he was not following the Teaching or me. In all likelihood, it was just a coincidence. He was lucky — in a good sense of the word — to be born where and when the present revelation took place. A coincidence so unlikely that it was hardly expected. No one expected it. But it happened. We were both immensely pleased. I addressed two messages to him on this occasion. In the Teaching he took — in advance, since he was still far from joining — the name he had borne in that life: Amsan.
A few more months passed. He went to the capital to study. We had to switch to correspondence, which was a bit difficult after the active verbal communication. It continued for some time, after which Amsan began to write less often. Then he fell completely silent. Hantur called him and arranged to meet him during one of his visits to Minsk to find out what was wrong. But he waited in vain at the agreed place: Amsan did not turn up. We didn't bother him any more. If he doesn't want to come, he doesn't want to come. We don't persuade or force anyone.
It all happened somewhere between Saveli's departure and my meeting Anna.
...In addition to resources devoted to spirituality and related topics, I was interested in many other things on the Internet. For example, a stunning discovery for me were the sites where various literature of the past centuries was posted — works of fiction, medieval chronicles, documents, etc. I greedily grabbed it all, read it, saved it for my library in my computer, which I started to create at that time. My head was spinning from the abundance that overwhelmed me. Finding another rarity, I almost squealed with delight. I've got it! I got my greedy hands into the treasury of world culture! At some moments I envied myself.
It helped to distract myself somewhat from the painful experiences that seemed to permeate the very air I breathed. Not to forget about them, but at least to look in the other direction for a short time. This was also the universe I went to for a little breather.
I was also very interested in the creative community sites where people chatted and published their work. It was so interesting to read it all, and there was a great temptation to join one of these communities. I wasn't so presumptuous as to brag about my dubious "masterpieces" — but I wanted to socialise. In the end, after many days of doubt and hesitation, I registered on a site where there were many creative people, but mostly Tolkienists, roleplayers and just fans. Why there? I liked the cozy, positive atmosphere. And it was interesting to learn more about Tolkien — not from articles and biographical references, but through dialogue with people who love the world he created.
I haven't read Tolkien. Well, almost never read. Once, on the occasion, I purchased the second book of "The Lord of the Rings" — which is "The Two Towers" — and I absolutely did not like it. Maybe the translation was bad, or maybe because it was the second book, not the first, and I didn't know the plot. But the main thing is that the author's surname didn't tell me anything at the time. I saw it for the first time. The real acquaintance with Tolkien I had thanks to Peter Jackson's films and the hype around them. However, the desire to read the source material did not arise for some reason.
Before that I had already had some minimal experience of publishing on the Internet. Once I proposed some articles to a site devoted to occultism, magic and the like, which were posted on it. But there I did not communicate with anyone except the admin.
Here I also managed to quickly find a common language with the founder and, at the same time, the administrator of the site, — a lady with a heavy character and dictator's traits. We managed to get along somehow. I posted something of my work there, communicated on the forum. I read a lot of Tolkien fanfics that were posted there. Quite a strange situation: I didn't read him myself, and got acquainted with his world more through fanfics. Among them were works that were seriously stylised as Tolkien, there were also humorous ones.
The latter were well managed by a girl who wrote under the nickname Hops. I owed her a lot of funny moments that helped to brighten up the hard reality. One day I wrote to her personally to thank her. Communication ensued, and soon we were almost on friendly terms. Largely because we had a similar sense of humour and ironic outlook on life. Among other things, she was a great lover of anime, and encouraged me in every way possible to watch it. I even started to do it. I never became a fan, though. After a while, Hops went headlong into her affairs, our correspondence ceased, and there was no one to propagandise me anime. But thanks to her I discovered this genre, and thus got acquainted with an important phenomenon in modern Japanese culture. I also learnt about the wonderful works of Hayao Miyazaki.
I communicated with other colleagues in the community too. Sometimes it even enriched the list of what I had written. For example, it turned out that several colleagues in St. Petersburg published a small newspaper, where articles by non-professional authors were published, as well as various messages from readers. The newspaper was distributed free of charge, the authors received no royalties and the publishers — no profit. Everything worked on pure enthusiasm. And just at that time the publication was in crisis: the authors had left, and it took time to find new ones. They had to survive somehow, and they asked everyone who was not a pity to give something from their works to the next issues. They asked me too. I gave one of my articles. Then another one, and another. Then I decided not to be trifling, and wrote specially for them a big essay in 11 parts about magic, witchcraft, vampires, spiritualism, fortune-telling and other such things. It was enough for several issues, which helped the newspaper to survive. During this time I managed to attract new regular authors, and things got better. I myself did not claim a place among them.
I stayed on the site until it was closed, after which I remained, so to speak, homeless, and never participated in such communities again.
As for Tolkien's works, I still haven't read anything. Somehow it didn't work out. But I have read and watched so much about the world he created and about him that I think I understand and orientate myself more or less in the subject.
Another website I registered on was not dedicated to creativity but to a turn-based strategy game called "Militarism". Maps divided into states where you have to develop cities, pump up technology, build troops and go to war, taking over other people's territories. I had never played an online strategy game before, and "Militarism" really fascinated me.
Each newcomer started as a private, and for a certain number of victories in the games were assigned regular ranks. I had a good career, reaching the rank of colonel. Players by their abilities were tacitly divided into strategists, who were good at planning the general course of the game for themselves or their alliance, unions, expansion directions, etc., tacticians, who were good at solving local problems like individual military operations, and fighters, who were good at managing units in battles. I was a poor fighter, a mediocre tactician, but a very decent strategist. In games where everyone fought for themselves, this was rarely decisive, but in a team game of "several countries against several countries" my talents of strategic planning made a significant contribution to victory.
I was quite involved in the life of the site. Wrote a short article about the game. Edited the beginner's guide. Created several maps — including a map of the Witcher world, which according to reviews turned out to be one of the best for the feudal mod of the game. I proposed the position of censor — actually, a moderator who monitors comments for profanity, insults, and other obscenities, issues warnings to troublemakers, and decides on bans — and held it for a while. When the game's creator retired, gamemasters became scarce, and uncertainty and unsettlement set in, I suggested creating a Council of a few established players who could manage the project. Organised elections for the Council. When I was elected to the Council, I recused myself, as I was far from a reputable player.
In the best times of "Militarism" several thousand people played it at a time. When I joined, those times were behind me. It was already somewhat outdated and couldn't compete with new strategies. There were, I think, about 600 players left on the site at that time. For several years, I watched with sadness as their numbers dwindled. First, there were a hundred… Then just a few dozen... Finally there were six of us left, and the last gamemaster created one last game for us. It was unspeakably sad. And then the project died.
During my time on the site, I got to know many players. Two of them I became friends with. With one — let's call him A. S., he was from Kharkiv — we communicated very actively and steadily, corresponded by e-mail, he knew about the Teaching. With another — let's call him V.B., he was from Minsk — communication was rare and fragmentary, but nevertheless it was not completely cut off. The former was a member of the Council, the latter, when I was a censor, was warned by me for using foul language in my comments. I often played in an alliance with one or the other. Both of them took part in that very last game. And then, already after the closure of "Militarism", we kept in touch with them.
On both sites, creative and gaming, I appeared under the name Digenis. I came across it in a book about Greece. It happened a long time ago, shortly after the revelation began. I remember when I saw it, it was as if something pushed me from inside, and I thought: this is my name. I was surprised at my own reaction, but there was no doubt about it. It could be translated as "twice born" or "twice living". I didn't see how it could apply to me at the time, and just mentally shrugged my shoulders. Only later, when I learnt about my past life, did the meaning of the name as applied to me become clear. Then it was time to wonder. Where did this epiphany come from? To attribute it to intuition would be to engage in idle chatter. A premonition that surfaced from the depths of my subconscious, where knowledge of my backstory lurked? Perhaps. Or maybe the guardian told me, but I didn't realise it.
Either way, Digenis has been a part of my life ever since. He became a character in some works, humorous and more serious, signifying myself there. He turned out to be the author of my political satires, humorous and hooligan things, and in general everything that can hardly belong to the pen of Atarkhat. He became my alter ego, the personification of the other, so to speak, unofficial side of my nature, and could afford what I could not afford as a spiritual mentor. It was the name I was then known on the Internet, using which I registered and communicated, using which I signed what I posted on a website devoted to the occult, on a creative website and published in a St. Petersburg newspaper, the name using which I censored and created the Council on the "Militarism" website. Not many people knew Atarkhat at that time, but many people knew Digenis.
And at some point I realised that I existed as if in three persons. For my relatives and acquaintances I am Victor, in my works and on the Internet — Digenis, in the Teaching — Atarkhat. And all three of them are as if completely different personalities, having very little in common. So different that if people who knew each of them met, they would hardly guess that they were talking about the same person. It was strange, but amusing.
...When the creative community to which I belonged ceased to exist, I did a revision of everything I had written to that point, and found that it was enough to start a personal creative website. Hantur supported the idea, and we got on with the project. Or rather, he did. We had no money to pay for a web designer, nor did we expect to have any, so Hantur had to learn the craft himself. At least to the extent that he could create a simple website for publishing texts and then maintain it. He did the design, took care of the hosting, built the site itself, hosted my writing, and maintained it. And all I did was grumble and argue about everything.
The site was called "La vita altra" — which translated from Italian meant "Another Life". Pretty much everything was posted on it, except the pandect and some poetry. You could also read political satires. Digenis was listed as the author of the works. I can't say that I really wanted to present my work to the public. It's just that if I was writing anyway, let someone read it if they wanted to. There was no desire to promote the site in any way, to advertise it somewhere, to invite someone to it, etc. I didn't do any of that. Basically, it didn't matter to me if anyone read it or not. Except for the satires... Honestly, that's what it was mostly about. I realised they could get me into trouble. But it was humiliating to be afraid. So I decided — come what may.
The site existed for several years. It wasn't visited very actively. Trouble never came, and I was not spoilt with positive feedback either. In one of the days I considered that enough was done to popularise my work, and the site was closed. As they say, good little by little.
Although it should be noted that I then found on other sites a few of my articles signed with other people's names. Well: it means that the thieves had something to flatter themselves with. Let's consider it a kind of sign of approval.
I had no audience other than the few visitors to the site. Of course, Hantur was aware of my artistic endeavours. Mum knew I wrote poems and whatnot, but I wouldn't let her read it all. As for my relatives, they had once seen me writing something with goose quills, but a lot of water had passed since then. That old man was long gone, — and that a new one had appeared, and what he was like, no one knew.
Many of them had not been in touch with us for so long and had forgotten everything so thoroughly that it sometimes led to almost anecdotal situations. For example, someone would call and, wondering how we were doing, ask if I had already finished school. When they replied, "What school? Victor is already in his thirties," there was a bewildered silence at the other end of the wire.
One day my cousin Aliona came to visit us. It was her first visit in fifteen years, although she lived a few minutes' walk away. When she came up to me to say hello and ask how I was doing, I made a surprised face and replied with a question: "And who are you?" What followed was a dialogue like this: "I'm Aliona. — What Aliona? — Your cousin. — I don't have a cousin Aliona. — What do you mean, you don't? I'm Aliona. — I don't have a cousin like that. — You don't remember me? — No. Who are you? — I'm Aliona! — Who's Aliona?" After five minutes of conversation she withdrew to another room with a confused look, and I heard her ask my mother, "Victor's head is quite bad, isn't it? He doesn't recognise me." Mum replied, "No, he's kidding." The guest didn't believe she and left in the full belief that I was insane. She never took the hint.
...By that time the area of life in which I was Victor had narrowed to almost vanishing proportions. The areas in which I was Digenis and Atarkhat, on the other hand, had expanded to such a size that it encompassed almost my entire world. I had become so accustomed to it that I had almost forgotten what name was on my passport. When I realised this, I was a little surprised. When I thought about it, though, it was all right. What could I do as Victor? Nothing. What was my future? Nothing. Victor didn't really have a present. Everything was where Atarkhat lived. And a little — where Digenis lived. That was my reality. It has remained that way ever since.
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