Preface. One Strange Thought

I never thought I would write an autobiography. At some point, quite a long time ago, I began to realise that my life might be of some interest to other people. It was a rather strange feeling. And there was no desire to describe my life. Listening to myself, I thought: "If someone wants to do this work, let him do it. I'll tell him everything in detail, and let him write."

Why is that? Well, first of all, I'm not a writer. Yes, I have written a lot, but it seems to me that none of it counts as writing. For example, authors of scientific works sometimes say that they write not out of a desire to write, and not for the sake of earning money, but only because they have to. If a researcher doesn't describe his research himself, who will? And certainly no one will do this with a better knowledge of the subject than himself. And it has to be done. That's why he gets to work. Maybe he has no writing talent at all, and the result in terms of literacy will be so-so, but there is nothing to do. The choice is small: either to write the way he can, or not to write at all. As for what I have written about the Teaching, the situation is about the same. Well, as for everything else, it's either fun, or emotions, or just a misunderstanding that does not make me a writer.

Secondly, writing about yourself is always quite awkward. This leaves a taste of self-centredness and narcissism, even if there is not much to admire. Although I have already had to write something like this, and more than once. But always as briefly as possible. The most verbose autobiographical text to date, in which I brought the narrative to about 1998, took up only a few pages. And somehow I haven't been able to continue it for several years now. To be honest, quite a few years. Although I think that some passages from it will be included in this book.

Now the situation has changed dramatically. Time is passing and I have turned 50. Health is deteriorating more and more. In addition, events are now occurring in my life that make me doubt even the prospects for survival in the near future. I feel myself hovering over the abyss, and only by some miracle I have not fallen into it yet. Maybe I'll be gone soon. So I thought: isn't it time to write something like this? While I'm still here. There's no time to wait for someone else to do it. After all, what I can tell you is not only the story of my life. Actually, my whole biography is the history of the Teaching at the present stage of its existence, a detailed chronicle of it, and is not uninteresting at least for this reason. In general, I give arguments to myself. And so I decided that it was worth a try.

Let's dispense with unnecessary pomp, let's not turn all this into a part of "holy scripture". Just a story about my life. Let me repeat here: I am not a writer. It would be rather presumptuous of me to count on having some kind of talent. So I'll write as it turns out. Let it be not a literary work, but a report on events and circumstances. This is a case where what is written is important, and how it is written is unlikely to be of such great importance. Anyway, here I go again, making arguments to myself.

What will it be written about, and is it so important? It will not be possible to give an unambiguous answer to the second part of the question. It is clear that this cannot be important for everyone. But surely there will be those for whom it will be significant. I even know a few such people. Although they already know a lot of what I'm going to talk about, and they even took part in some of it themselves. There will be others. And I'm going to talk about things that I feel are important as a whole, so to speak, in a complex, but the importance of most of which individually I can doubt. So I will try to tell more, so that later on the reader can determine for himself what is important to him or her and what is not. In this case, some redundancy, if it takes place, will be preferable to stinginess. According to the principle "Here is what you have — choose what you need."

The story will probably be sad. Because it will be a story mainly about problems and difficulties. Although it depends on the person... For one — about problems and difficulties, and for another — about overcoming them. It's not the same thing. Perhaps the difference will be easier to understand if we take humanity as an example. Its history is a history of misfortunes, catastrophes, conflicts and suffering. But despite everything, it continues to exist, to make new discoveries and achievements, to create beautiful works of art and to enjoy life. So, is his story a story of difficulties or a story of victories over them, a story of suffering or a story of accomplishments? Both. You can look at such things in different ways and see different things. One will be depressed and the other will be inspired. So is the story of my life. And the life story of any person. After all, all of us together are the very suffering, but at the same time overcoming difficulties and continuing to exist and even enjoy life humanity. Its destiny consists of the destinies of individuals.

As for the difficulties and sufferings, I have one strange thought about this. According to the Teaching, the existence of our world, the Universe and man himself ultimately has the purpose of maintaining the life of the infinite Genesis and everything that exists in it. We can say that we are producing a new life. But a new life is always made in agony. It comes at a price. As everything new and best, — whether it is the birth of a child, the creation of a work of art or the exploration of a newly discovered continent. You have to work hard and suffer for it. And here is the life of the whole Genesis. Is it any wonder that we produce it in agony? That's the idea. It seems a little strange even to me, although I am able to justify it. I think it may seem insane to many. But nevertheless... It explains the essence of our suffering quite well.

I'll put it this way: we can suffer if we have something to suffer for. We have. We, the people. Everyone together and individually. And it turns out as it should. The Genesis lives, and thanks to this, everything that is in it lives too. Therefore, all sad stories about a difficult life, no matter how they end, turn out to be stories about a great victory. One for all. Consisting of many private victories. Small on the scale of the Genesis. Each the size of one human life. But isn't the particle of infinity equal to infinity itself? Therefore, it will not be completely nonsense or cheap pathetics to say that every victory is the main victory.

I must say that it is easier to talk about this than to really perceive your own life like this. Therefore, I now seem to be explaining something not so much to the reader as to myself. I understand everything — but I explain it again.

I don't know what will happen to me next. Maybe it will be possible to survive and continue on the path, or maybe not. In any case, I already have 50 years of my life and a whole story that I will try to tell as coherently and clearly as I can.