Chapter 19. Life in Context

All that I have described above was not revealed in a single moment. At first, Emere informed me that I am that Ananda to whom Sher-Ander's speeches in the texts he had dictated were addressed. I was so astonished that for several days I could not fully believe it. It seemed that this was simply impossible. Impossible, that's all. Because... Well, because it doesn't happen that way. Then he began to give various details. Then, after I had recovered from my astonishment, I began to remember a little of what I had first learnt from Emere, and other things. Then he told me what was to be in the future, and I wrote it down, again in a state close to shock. And so a few months passed. And that was only the beginning. A little later, the postmortem began to be remembered.

Memories of the past still come to this day. But now I'm used to it and accept it as normal. Back then, it was like a blow of tsunami, but a very long one. The past swooped in and filled my present, changing it and changing me.

It was like there was more of me. Much more. At first it even felt like there were two of me. A very strange feeling. As if there were a mirror in front of you, in which you see two different people, with different faces, in different clothes — but with a common past. To be more precise, the present of one is the past of the other. You remember yourself as his, and at the same time you realise that you are his future. It is difficult to describe what happens in the soul...

Speaking of the soul. Analysing my own feelings and experiences, I couldn't help but think about what effect all this might have on an unprepared psyche. I can't say that mine was prepared in the best possible way. But somehow it was. It's no wonder that Emere didn't reveal everything to me right away, at the very beginning of the revelation. He gave me time to adjust to the new reality, to adapt internally, to settle in. And still it was not easy. What if someone is not ready at all? And even if we are not talking about revelation, destiny and other things, but only about memories from the past life. A person lives, who does not believe in such things, and did not think about them at all — and suddenly something like a vision starts to appear. Strange pictures appear in the brain... Strange dreams... Experiences appear as if they were someone else's life... Or the feeling that there are two of him... Or even pictures of the world of energy from postmortem... And all sorts of things can happen... How should one treat something like this? How to perceive? What will happen to his or her psyche?..

So I thought: how many of the so-called "mentally ill", distributed in specialised medical institutions, are actually not mentally ill at all, but just people whose subconsciousness has suddenly started to resurface the past? Some of them will think that they are going crazy themselves; others will be declared crazy by their relatives and doctors. And it's hard to blame anyone. What else are they supposed to think? What to assume?

Here the thought makes a turn and returns to the previous rails. Take me, for example. What am I supposed to think about myself? That I'm going mad is a pretty good guess. Who else but me should have it in the first place? It wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it? The physical state I'm in, the stresses of my war for independence and fighting my family's craving for alcohol, the fears, the agonising search for myself, and so on... Would it be so strange for the psyche to fracture under such a load and under such blows? Not at all. A lot of people break down on less. And so the voices began, strange memories, strange ideas... However, it was the ideas that convinced me that it wasn't all the ravings of a madman. Because the elements, which at first were strange from my point of view, very soon began to form a vast, deep, consistent system. A perfectly sane system that explains reality well. And I don't think something like this could have been generated by a sick, broken mind, generating everything in the format of a delusion. What I got at the output became for me a decisive argument in favour of my own sanity.

Someone might argue that to a delirious person, their delirium would naturally seem rational, logical, and convincing. To this, I can only respond with one thing: look and judge for yourself. Not in the sense of whether this is the Truth or not — that's just one opinion against another — but simply as a system in itself, as one of the possible ways to explain reality. There's nothing more to advise.

So, I have ruled out the version of insanity. But since the background of my own story became known to me, I began at times to feel like a character in some fantastic novel. My mind no longer refused to accept this reality, but every now and then it as if winked at me and said, "Well, you know what it's like, don't you?" I did. At times like that, I just sat there and marvelled at how incredible real life can be.

This feeling of fantasticalness of what was going on occasionally still lingers to this day.

Anyway, everything cleared up. At least in general terms. And there was a chance to comprehend a lot of things that were impossible to comprehend before.

Who I am, it's clear now. What I'm doing here — it's clear. Why right here and right now — clear. What tasks I have in front of me...

And really, what are my tasks? Their understanding was also revealed gradually. At first it seemed that it was just to pass on the information received. Kind of — here you are, they asked me to pass it on. Take it and do something about it. Then I realised that it is not possible to just pass it on. It's a long process. You have to not only pass it on, day after day, year after year, but also explain it and teach how to apply it correctly. To apply it for what? First of all, to change myself. That is, I have to help my disciples to change, to become better. The task itself is non-trivial. Not only do you have to be able to help them, but it is also a tremendous responsibility. Responsibility for other people. This is despite the fact that before, if I could say that I was responsible for myself, it was hardly that big, with my way of life. And here it is... And that is not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to change the world. Change it through changes in people. After all, it is people who make the world what it is. And it is they who can change it, make it better, pull it back from the edge of the abyss it is about to fall into.

It is not only necessary to pass something to someone, explain something to someone, somehow find that someone and help them change. All these are just steps towards the main goal — to change the world for the better. Neither more nor less. That's the task that needs to be solved. That's what needs to be organised in some way. That's what I have to do. You have to think, firstly, on a world-wide scale, and secondly, on a long-range time scale. Because this task is not just one of several years, nor decades, nor even centuries. Today we need to think about how things should be tomorrow, and how things should be centuries from now. We need to organise the future.

All right, so be it, — but why do I need to think about it? There will be others. The main thing is to pass on the knowledge to them, to pass on the Teaching. No, it's more complicated than that. I accept the revelation and receive the necessary explanations directly from the source, — that is, from Emere, Hermes, the God of Wisdom. He corrects me if I misunderstand something. This is the most reliable insurance against errors and distortions that there can be. Therefore, not only do I by definition know the Teaching better than anyone else, but I also have the capacity to interpret it correctly. Accordingly, I understand better than anyone else how to put its principles into practice in various fields of endeavour and in various situations of life. This is the most important part of the instructions I give to my disciples. But it is also a necessary part of the regulations for the future, both for the inner life of the Teaching and for its work in the world. The regulations which I have introduced, with the approval or even at the prompting of Emere, cannot be challenged by anyone in the Teaching, simply because there is no higher authority. That is why it is important that such establishments appear as reliable reference points for the future. The fulcrums, on which the Teaching will be able to accomplish its task. And in order to create establishments that will be applicable and effective, I need to think on a global scale. I have to learn to think that way. Because no one will establish this for me. And even if they do, they will not have the authority and durability that they should have.

This is what I understood. These were the tasks I saw ahead of me. And this is the responsibility that came with them. It turned out to be unimaginably immense. It was hard to even fathom. How can one even solve such problems in my position? I really didn't overestimate myself. A man confined to a wheelchair, physically deteriorating year by year, limited in social interactions, not the most intelligent, with an ordinary education and no specialised studies, without financial means, and facing a complex family situation. How is that possible?!

That's the passive, so to speak. The active is the experience gained in the past life and postmortem, albeit manifested mostly at the level of subconsciousness. A thousand years of "hardening" in the Abyss, and then a thousand and fifteen hundred years of training in the world of energy. The inner strength it all gave me. Wasn't that why such a long and harsh training was necessary, because I was expected to face the toughest working conditions? Was there supposed to be a strong counteraction? Perhaps the clash of the "great streams" was the first fight on this battlefield? And now I must fight, being in my present position. To fight and not to be broken.

Thinking about it, I realised that I would fight. There's no other way. And I won't break. Because I feel: I have enough strength. I feel an endless supply of it in me. I can only be destroyed physically, which was probably attempted at the beginning of my biography. Yes, my body is weak now. This will likely shorten my life. But until the moment I die, I will not retreat or break. Because I cannot. And because my inner strength is greater than my paltry bodily strength.

"Paltry" — isn't too strong a word? No, it's not. Because when you are almost completely immobile, physical weakness becomes a sort of common denominator of the years lived. Do you know what is one of the strongest and most dominant feelings in my life? The feeling of insecurity, of vulnerability. That feeling when anything can happen to you — and you can't do anything about it. When anyone can do anything to you — even just hit you — and you can't defend yourself, or hit back, or run away. You can't do anything at all. You are absolutely defenceless. A mosquito bites you — and you can't shake it off. Your leg hurts — and if no one is there to help you change its position, you will squirm, gasping in pain. If your cheek itches, you will suffer and endure, because you can't lift your hand and it's embarrassing to pull someone for such an insignificant reason. It is as if you are lying tied by your hands and feet, while sharp spears are falling from the sky and sticking into the ground around you. Any one of them could hurt or kill you. And there's nowhere to go. It's terrifying. Anyone who's been in that position will understand. The rest are unlikely.

That's what's always been one of the hardest circumstances for me. Well, almost always. I didn’t think about it in my childhood. But later, when I realised, I shuddered inwardly. I decided to compensate for my physical weakness with something else. In many ways this was the reason for my war for independence, my "prickliness" and my perseverance when I achieved something. Being weak physically, I tried to demonstrate a different kind of strength. I tried to accustom those around me not to even try to do anything to me without my consent. Through arguments, through painful jabs at them, through hunger strikes. I succeeded. At some point they stopped even trying to control me. But it cost a lot, both for me and for the others. A lot of pain, a lot of nerves. And the perception that I thought only of myself and no-one else. Some people have said it to my face. And no one — this is not an exaggeration, in fact no one, not even my mum — has ever thought to ask me how I feel and what is going on in my soul. No one has ever tried to find out the reasons why. And I, with no hope of understanding, didn't even try to explain.

Oh, well. It's too late to complain now. And I'm not telling you this to complain. Then what is it for? In order to make at least a little clear the contrast between the realities of my life and my duty. I am physically powerless and defenceless, unable to fight off the flies that pester me, and yet I must work to change the world. This dissonance would probably drive me to despair — if, again, it were not for the very preparation and the enormous resource of strength I feel within me.

I think that I stayed alive all this time thanks to the help of the Teaching. It fuelled me energetically, kept my organism in working condition, at least more or less. If doctors warned me that even with the best care I would live 12-13 years at the most, and I am still alive, it probably says something. I am needed here, and the Teaching keeps me afloat. Although its capabilities are not unlimited. They do not overstep the laws of Nature. The organism, its biology, has its own resource, which somehow gets exhausted over time. It gets weaker and weaker. And one day, despite all the support and nourishment, it will run out. But until then, I will work to fulfil my duty.

By learning what I needed to know about the past and the future, I was able to make sense of my present in a different way. The tasks became clearer. The circumstances in which I would have to fulfil them became clearer than ever before. I began to look differently to myself in these circumstances. Life made sense — yes, of course. And that's happiness. Everything was not in vain. However, this meaning was so global that everything else was lost against it, as a handful of pebbles is lost against a mountain.

I wondered: what should there be in my life besides this? Should there be anything else in it besides fulfilment of the duty? It's so enormous... Do I have the opportunity and the right to spend myself on something else?

And for what? There's nothing more important or better than what I have to do. Trying to excel at something else? What for? If I had any vanity in the germ, it was more than satisfied before it had time to manifest itself. Precisely because, as I said, there is nothing more important or better than my work. And in it, I am in my place.

If we consider anything else — poetry, for instance, or other literary pursuits — these are purely for personal enjoyment, without any ambitions for achievement, recognition, or anything of the sort. Studying something? Well, take history, for example. It's both endlessly fascinating and essential for the work. Just as, in fact, any kind of knowledge, any scientific discipline, or any area of human activity can be. Everything is both intriguing and beneficial, contributing to personal growth and the task at hand. The work I do is so vast that everything fits into it, like puzzle pieces forming a complete picture. It's quite interesting: on the one hand, it seems like there's nothing but the main task; on the other, almost anything falls within its broad scope when needed. And from yet another perspective — whatever is useful for the work you're passionate about and wholly devoted to will naturally become interesting to you. Like history, which captivated me as soon as I realised how crucial it is to navigate it effectively.

In other words, to put it simply, I can do anything as needed, but a career in anything is not something I need. Neither the career of a lawyer, nor a writer, nor a historian, nor any other. I am rid of any ambitions — and that is very good. I emphasise that I perceive it exactly as getting rid of something that could burden me, I perceive it as a form of freedom. You can quietly do your own thing and not worry about the rest. For me it is a blessing also because in my position to make a career is either impossible or opportunities are suffocatingly limited. And to be tormented by a hunger to achieve something with almost no opportunities would mean even more torment in life. As if they weren't enough already.

In a sense, this relates to the question of work. This can be viewed in two ways. Yes, my physical abilities are extremely limited, and this complicates things greatly. On the other hand, I don't need to go to work or earn a living. I receive a pension. It's small, but it's enough for the essentials. And I can devote all my time to the Teaching. I understand that it is a dilemma — to be disabled, but to have a lot of free time, which can be used for your favourite work, or to be healthy, but to spin like a squirrel in a wheel, thinking how to earn your daily bread. The choice, frankly speaking, is doubtful. And I'm not even going to argue about which is better. It's just that this is one of the factors of my life, and I note it.

What else? Family, children? They don't exist and they won't. On the one hand, that's my tragedy, my constant pain. On the other hand, I don't have to provide for my family, deal with its problems, devote the lion's share of my time to it. And I don't have a vulnerable place in the form of my family, which could be pressurised. It's very hard to write these lines, it's horrible. But it's true. It's a kind of freedom, too — but achieved at the cost of a huge, irreplaceable loss. I could tell the wolf, biting off its paw to escape the trap, "Brother, you got off easy. To remain with a burned part of your soul is much more painful

Nevertheless, when I thought about it, I was even more convinced that my decision not to pursue the possibility of starting a family was the right one. If this is the way things are, if the picture is the same from any angle, then so be it.

...Some years later a text called "The Vision" appeared in the pandect, dictated from the world of energy by a person who had belonged to the Teaching a long time ago, at the time of one of the previous revelations. In it, the Teacher shows the disciple a possible future. He shows what will not be needed if humanity goes its way normally, successfully enough, but will be needed if things turn out badly. Among other things it says:

"And I saw a plain with mountains on one side and a river running through the other. And across the plain wandered people, some alone, some in crowds, some sitting or lying motionless. The sky there was neither with the sun nor without the sun, and there was neither light nor darkness. People there shouted and fought, and took one another's wretched rags and scraps; those sitting were kicked and beaten on the heads, and those lying there were trampled on like carrion. Some fell dead; then they got up and wandered again across the plain. Then a rock fell from the sky; it split open, and a naked man came out of it. He stood and with his hand drew a circle before him; and as he did so, a gate as of brass appeared before him. He touched them and they opened and through them the same plain appeared — all in sunlight and without people. And he entered through the gate and began to call people to follow him with a song." (The Vision, 13-21)

In the form of symbolic images we have before us the times when the world will be in need of the last, special, intended for all revelation, and when someone will appear who will give it to people. Such times have come. The person who transmits the Teaching to the world could have been someone else, his identity is not specific in the vision, but it so happened that it was me. However, this is not the point now. It is about the fact that this man from the vision is naked. Why? Why is his image exactly like that? Isn't it because he has nothing, nothing at all but the cause for which he came? He did not come for wealth, fame, power, or personal happiness. He came to fulfil his duty. To do what must be done. That's all. Nothing else matters.

Indeed, that's how it works. The symbolic image turns out to be correct. What do I have? No family. No career needed. Power is not a goal. Fame in the sense of vanity satisfaction — no, and I don't want it; I don't want to worry about it. Prominence — only to the extent that will help to spread the Teaching. Wealth is also absolutely not a goal. As for money, I need it, but only to the extent that it will help me to ensure the conditions for survival and work.

At present all my possessions are a wheelchair, a desk, a computer and a few bookcases. Back then, more than twenty years ago, it was even less. Now the problem of the future, which was always urgent, has become critical, but we will get to that.

... In those days, after several years of the existence of the Teaching and the completion of the "Evor", I reflected more deeply on the situation, made some important conclusions, drew some results, considered the prospects. For the first time I reflected on my life in the context of what is happening. What was happening in the world and what was happening to me — that is, in the general context and in the context of the Teaching.

It turned out that it was necessary to lay the foundations for the future. First of all, the future of the Teaching. Its internal structure and organisation, its social doctrine, its culture, and so on. Even its statehood. Because one day there will be a state whose social structure, legislation, and way of life will be based on the Teaching. And it is necessary to think already now about how it will be, what this state will be like, what will be the foundations of its organisation. These foundations should be developed and laid today, at least in the most general outline. How, in general, should and can the principles of the Teaching be applied at the state level? How do the Teaching's ideas about the destiny of man and the moral principles arising from these ideas work at such a level? How can we build at least a theoretical model? I understand the Teaching — but I am not a specialist in its application. General knowledge about various forms of state structure, learnt from history, will not replace neither special education, and even in several fields at once, nor talent. To design a future state? A task that can leave you stumped. A virtually impossible task. But we will have to work in this direction anyway. To at least outline some contours, to mark the general direction.

In the even farther perspective — the unification of mankind into one nation with a single world state, a common worldview and universal culture. A world without wars and internal conflicts. Humanity, aspiring beyond its home planet, to the stars. That's what lies ahead. And if you think about it, it's the only thing I have. The only thing I have is the future. That's why my present exists. That's why I'm here.

This realisation has not devalued the present for me, but has taught me to look at it in the perspective of the future. Therefore, I do not know how to live only for today. What is happening today is important because something will grow out of it tomorrow. And tomorrow will be important because from it will be born the day after tomorrow. That's how life goes on. I am used to seeing things from this angle, and the possibility of seeing them differently even surprises me a little. It's boring... It's as boring as setting small, purely personal goals.

...Sometimes it seems to me that I've been smeared through time in some titanic leap. A part of me still lives in the distant past, at the very beginning of my journey. I feel it very vividly and clearly, I can feel it directly to the touch, as something tangible. It is indeed material for me. It's me. The other part already lives there, in the distant future, closer to the end of the journey. I feel that future too. Maybe not so clearly, but only because it does not yet have fixed, well-established detailed outlines. But it is already real, it attracts me to it and fuels me with its energy. And there is a third part of me, living in the present, moving through it from the past to the future, riding the evasive moment of the creation of reality.

This triple perception is a very strange thing. It's as if you are looking from three angles at once, and you see the world and yourself in a deeper volume. I don't know how to describe it. I won't even try. Especially because if someone started to tell me something like that, I don't think I would believe it.